please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
