I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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