Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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