Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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