Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
