i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
