My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
