I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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