She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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