Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
