you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
