I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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