i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize