he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
