Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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