I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
