dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
