Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
