I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
