I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
