I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
