last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
