just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize