nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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