those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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