I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
