he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
did you just send me my own nude
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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