dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
