hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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