fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
