apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
