I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
