Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
