just come out here and I will go home with you...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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