Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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