I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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