Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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