when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
