Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize