the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
