If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
