im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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