I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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