he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This is the high leading the old right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
