On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
