There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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