What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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