Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
