Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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