I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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