Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
