I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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