haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
