she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
