You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
