got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
