Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
