guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
