Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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