so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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