I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
