Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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